Everything is better with kittens

We now interrupt our usually blasé, pseudo-existential egocentric ramblings for an important message from Bruce-y the Kitten.

That is all.

Hesitations

I've been seriously thinking about quitting my job lately... but I'm feeling guilty about it. I feel guilty because I realized the following.

I want to leave... but not because I can't do the job. Not because the atmosphere is that bad. It's bad sometimes, and hypocritical... but my team in general is good, and it's not a strict environment. I can show up late sometimes and I won't get punished. I can take days off, paid. Paid sick days. Of course, the dynamics here have changed of late. I've gotten screwed a few times... but that's not really it either.

In fact, I've realized that the only real reason I want to quit, aside from all the little things, is because I just don't like it. I do data entry almost 5 days on 5. Statistics. Transcription of phone messages for data entry. Preparing committees.  And by god, I HATE it. Every living moment of it. And it's thankless. No one thanks the secretary for her work. But they'll sure not hesitate to bitch at you should a mistake arise. I dread coming to work in the morning. I'm not happy here, and it affects others. I'm bitter and sarcastic all the time. For years I've struggled with this, too. I mean, who am I to complain? I have a stable, well-paid job that's relatively easy, for all the work I have to do. But it's braindead. It's killing my soul, as dramatic as that might sound. And yeah, I've had these tantrums periodically over the past few years, where I wanted to up and quit... but I've never had the courage to. This time though, I actually drafted a quitting letter. I just lack the courage to speak to my boss about it.

I mean, is not liking a job reason enough to quit? I feel like a lot of people would kill for my job, you know?  But still. I've given 5 years to this team, and all promises of advancement have been lies. I've been screwed on a graphic design level. They've taken advantage of me, and thrown the "it's good for your portfolio" excuse at me liberally. I've seen colleagues screwed out of their positions, or even out of the department. But because I'm an old staple around here who does the gruntwork, they don't touch me. Nobody wants to do what I do. Fuck, I don't even know why I do it.

And lately, I can't do it. I sit in front of my screen and just... surf the web.  Do nothing, as the work piles up... because doing my job literally makes me want to cry. I manage to get things done though, somehow because luckily, I have a conscience.

How pathetic is that?

I'm miserable here... and I hate that I'm such a weakling, and that I'm whining about this. I mean, my sister brought me back a pair of earrings from Cambodia, the money she paid having literally saved a kid, whose day job was dumpster diving, from a lifetime of garbage work. You don't think that kid would jump at the shot for this job? You don't think he'd be disgusted by my attitude?

I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's what I feel.  Like I'm ungrateful... like I'm experiencing a first world problem.  But I'm so unhappy.  Just... soo unhappy.  I'm scared of change, and I'm really bad and anxious about uncertainty. But I think I need to leave not just for my own mental health, but because the team would probably benefit from someone who doesn't fucking hate every second of her day at work... and yet I'm wavering.  I'm not naive. I know that liking your job is a luxury that not many are afforded in North America.  And people do shitty things just to live.  But hey, why am I not trying harder to be happy?   I just don't know if I can keep doing this.

Ugh. I need encouragement or advice or whatever.

I'm an artist, and as such... I will have to struggle for a while before I'm established. I will probably be stuck in a job I dislike for the rest of my life. I've come to terms with that. But surely there must be something better than this... even though it's already decent.

Again, I can't convince myself.  Maybe I'm just spoiled, with an attitude problem.

I just don't know.  But all I know is I hate being here, despite trying very, VERY hard not to. I'm just out of motivation.

Is it really so naive to think that I could someday like my job, and to want that?

21 Truths and 3 Lies bandwagon... REVEALED (dunh dunh dunh!!)

I've been tagged twice, so, as much as I kind of dislike the self-serving nature of these things, I'm a shameless egomaniac deep down so here goes nothing. I'm sure these will have no relevance whatsoever to your lives. The lies will be half-truths. There will be lots of dorky and shameful things from my past. EGOMANIA... GO!!!!

*EDIT: The lies are now in red, with explanations!

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1) I met Topher Grace, Caroline Rhea, Christopher Lambert, Jay Baruchel, Adam Biggs and Ryan Gosling at the movie theater I used to work at, either at the ticket-ripping station, or at the ticket sales booth, and got their autographs.

2) I served Ricki Martin at the concession stand of aforementionned AMC, and personally ushered Jerry Seinfeld into his own theater when he came in one Saturday morning, having rented the entire place to himself.

** While it is true that Ricki Martin came to our concession stand... I had JUST gone on break and heard about it from some other flustered coworkers. Also, Jerry Seinfeld really DID rent out our entire theater so he could watch a movie to himself... but the managers took care of him, not us lowly ushers.***

3) I used to have a moderate anxiety disorder that would prevent me from taking public transit or be alone in crowded places, for fear of panic attacks.

4) I would say that my sexual orientation is flexible, mostly because of my artistic background and enjoyment of human aesthetics of ALL kinds.

**This one is not a lie, but a few people seem surprised. I'm pretty hetero, truth be told, but I'm able to notice when a woman is beautiful. I love beautiful women... mostly because I enjoy drawing them, and I am a superficial being trained in aesthetics, heh.  I'm not entirely sure if I'd ever be able to sleep with one though, and I don't want to offend any lesbians or bisexuals, so I tend to leave my interest at that. Bicurious, maybe? Je ne sais pas.

5) I met Leonard Nimoy at one of the Comic Con signings in Montreal and did the whole cheesy "live long and prosper" thing, at the expense of my dignity, but my inner dork was never as happy.

**Sadly, though he WAS at Montreal's Comic Con last year, I believe, I did not get the chance to meet him. LE SIGH!!! That whole lie was me and wishful thinking.**

6) One of Udon Comics' (the guys behind the Street Fighter artwork) most recognized artists personally commented (positively) on one of my comic strips.

7) I have a fanclub.

8) I have never been drunk, and I am 28 years old. (OR AM I???)

9) I have been on TV around 5 times in my life, in interviews with the public, or in audiences.

10) My best friend almost got squashed by the Backstreet Boys' tour bus after a concert when we were 17-ish or so, because she had dropped her purse in the middle of the street and rushed to pick it up without looking. One of the band-members, Kevin, promptly (and sheepishly) waved at us from the front window as she retrieved it.

11) My innermost dream was to be a marine biologist and spend my days by the sea, but I suck so badly at sciences that I gave that up a decade ago.

12) I don't want children, because I honestly think this planet is doomed and will (or should) end with my generation. Also... I happen to really dislike kids, so it turns out great.

13) I have been to Japan, Alaska, California, Vancouver, North Carolina, and many places on the Eastern Seaboard but despite my promises to myself, I have never been to Europe.

14) I once partied until 5 am at the apartment of one of Quebec's most well-known folk bands (Les Trois Accords). Not relevant to anyone outside Montreal, really... but still pretty badass.

15) I own one of 10-ish or so existing released copies out there of an autographed Backstreet Boys comic illustrated (and signed) by Stan Lee. Addressed to me, personally. The project flopped (obviously) and was never released. Still, that signature is my retirement plan.

16) Though I have casually dated all sorts of people, my last 3 bfs were Asian.

17) Two boyfriends (who followed each other) had the same name.

18) I was almost run over on the night of my 11th birthday as my mom, godmother and I walked from the restaurant, by a cop car, who was  speeding down a sidewalk, with no lights or sirens on. Had my mother not pulled me back, he would have hit me and I likely would have died.

19) My first name is actually Kathleen (on my birth certificate) but I go by my second name, Elizabeth.

20) I have never been high and I am 28 years old (OR AM I????).

** This one is a lie. I got high for the first time in my life last year, after having smoked part of a doobie. I did not enjoy it very much and will probably not repeat it, hahaha.**

21) I once got into a serious shouting match with a dozen of young gangsters who used to loiter around my old building and sexually-harrass every woman who walked by there. Before it got physical, security (and the cops, ahem) showed up to break it up, but not before they threatened to "do" my mother, whereby I responded that they could try, but such small penises would surely not satisfy a woman of my mom's caliber.

22) One of my greatest desires is for someone to give me the excuse to beat the crap out of them... just to know what it feels like. Just ONCE!! I am a fairly level-headed person (in public) but harbour an aggression that feels a little too awesome and is a little too potent when it's let out.... and in a Hulkish manner, I yearn to release it.

23) I saw a theft happen and so chased the thief down the street whilst screaming at the top of my lungs, and then shamed him into giving back the purse he stole.

24) I once drove over 9 hours in the middle of the night, on a whim, to be with the boy I loved at the time, for an afternoon. I hate to give credence to Celine Dion's shitty song, but I DID drive all night.

ALRIGHT so... @sonychak, @Cakalusa, @roadlesstaken, @junbelievable08, @Blue__Summer, @Flipguy, you guys are tagged, if you feel like it. Cheers.