Wednesday, 20 June 2012
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Hesitations
I've been seriously thinking about quitting my job lately... but I'm feeling guilty about it. I feel guilty because I realized the following.
I want to leave... but not because I can't do the job. Not because the atmosphere is that bad. It's bad sometimes, and hypocritical... but my team in general is good, and it's not a strict environment. I can show up late sometimes and I won't get punished. I can take days off, paid. Paid sick days. Of course, the dynamics here have changed of late. I've gotten screwed a few times... but that's not really it either.
In fact, I've realized that the only real reason I want to quit, aside from all the little things, is because I just don't like it. I do data entry almost 5 days on 5. Statistics. Transcription of phone messages for data entry. Preparing committees. And by god, I HATE it. Every living moment of it. And it's thankless. No one thanks the secretary for her work. But they'll sure not hesitate to bitch at you should a mistake arise. I dread coming to work in the morning. I'm not happy here, and it affects others. I'm bitter and sarcastic all the time. For years I've struggled with this, too. I mean, who am I to complain? I have a stable, well-paid job that's relatively easy, for all the work I have to do. But it's braindead. It's killing my soul, as dramatic as that might sound. And yeah, I've had these tantrums periodically over the past few years, where I wanted to up and quit... but I've never had the courage to. This time though, I actually drafted a quitting letter. I just lack the courage to speak to my boss about it.
I mean, is not liking a job reason enough to quit? I feel like a lot of people would kill for my job, you know? But still. I've given 5 years to this team, and all promises of advancement have been lies. I've been screwed on a graphic design level. They've taken advantage of me, and thrown the "it's good for your portfolio" excuse at me liberally. I've seen colleagues screwed out of their positions, or even out of the department. But because I'm an old staple around here who does the gruntwork, they don't touch me. Nobody wants to do what I do. Fuck, I don't even know why I do it.
And lately, I can't do it. I sit in front of my screen and just... surf the web. Do nothing, as the work piles up... because doing my job literally makes me want to cry. I manage to get things done though, somehow because luckily, I have a conscience.
How pathetic is that?
I'm miserable here... and I hate that I'm such a weakling, and that I'm whining about this. I mean, my sister brought me back a pair of earrings from Cambodia, the money she paid having literally saved a kid, whose day job was dumpster diving, from a lifetime of garbage work. You don't think that kid would jump at the shot for this job? You don't think he'd be disgusted by my attitude?
I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's what I feel. Like I'm ungrateful... like I'm experiencing a first world problem. But I'm so unhappy. Just... soo unhappy. I'm scared of change, and I'm really bad and anxious about uncertainty. But I think I need to leave not just for my own mental health, but because the team would probably benefit from someone who doesn't fucking hate every second of her day at work... and yet I'm wavering. I'm not naive. I know that liking your job is a luxury that not many are afforded in North America. And people do shitty things just to live. But hey, why am I not trying harder to be happy? I just don't know if I can keep doing this.
Ugh. I need encouragement or advice or whatever.
I'm an artist, and as such... I will have to struggle for a while before I'm established. I will probably be stuck in a job I dislike for the rest of my life. I've come to terms with that. But surely there must be something better than this... even though it's already decent.
Again, I can't convince myself. Maybe I'm just spoiled, with an attitude problem.
I just don't know. But all I know is I hate being here, despite trying very, VERY hard not to. I'm just out of motivation.
Is it really so naive to think that I could someday like my job, and to want that?
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Comments (45)
Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life.
i know EXACTLY how you feel (ok well i shouldn't say that, but very similar) because i feel the same way about my job :/ i just don't like it. well, i'm also not making enough money to save up to move out, and i want to chase my career as an animator, but in general this place isn't *THAT* bad. but i'm making moves to leave, i'm training someone else to take over when i leave.
You're not a weakling and what you're saying is not ridiculous. It's perfectly natural to feel how you feel. You've obviously given it enough thought and if you think it's better for your mental health to quit and move on, that's what you should do. I know it's what I would do..
YOLO
THUG LIFE
I am 78 and retired.
I am not unsympathetic to your job hatred--it is actually quit common. I learned as manager that 95% of the employees really do not like their jobs, but alos 95% are also not doing anything to improve themselves---further education.
This is a very tough economy, and there is something worse than hating your job--having not job.
I wish I had an answer for you.
You did not mention our personal life other than you are an artist. My wife is a water color artist and loves it. Sometimes developing the talents that you enjoy helps.
I am also a believer in nice vacations and 3 day weekends.
We all get in ruts and need to shake things up. Like eating and shopping somewhere else, dramatically changing your appearance, etc.
Wishing you the best.
If you hate it, quit. Life is too short. You don't want to look back and think that you wasted so much time being unhappy.
Try not to feel bad about it. It's not selfish to want happiness for yourself.Sometimes certain jobs are just not a good fit for certain people, you know? You should go find something that you enjoy doing...guilt free. If you leave a position to find something you love, the person filling your position may be a better fit for it.
Don't think about what other people are doing, or how grateful you think you should be. Like you say, these people have been dangling advancement and money in your face for years to get more work out of you, and then reneged on their promises. Eff that. If you are unhappy, you could easily find a new job doing something similar or better with your level of experience. Go hunting! Even if the perks and benefits don't match up as well, you would at least be doing something different/new/better than what you were doing before. (And it would be stable; craving stability is not a bad thing!)
I say you should quit so you can stop beating yourself up over how much you hate your job. All that mental stress screws with YOUR quality of life. Let them get someone else who will be grateful to do data-entry every day. You're beyond that now--and it's showing. :D
I have been meaning to post about this very subject. You should not stay at a job you don't like. Sometimes we just need a change. You CAN support yourself doing something you LOVE to do.
You have no idea how much I can relate to this. I think both of us are stricken with job-related Stockholm syndrome.
@StupidSystemus - Hah, that's an awesome way of putting it... and it`s actually nice to know that you can relate. It's nice not to be alone.
Here's a good way to think about it. Forget about everyone else as this is your life, your unique situation, and this situation only applies to you. A job, a relationship with an employer is a symbiotic one. They need your services so they give you money. You need money so you feed them services. Ideally, being that it's a symbiotic relationship, as the employer grows, they reward the employee with opportunities or raises. If the employer cannot grow, then you are stuck too. I think the litmus test is this: has the symbiotic relationship grown into a parasitic one? That's a question only you can answer.
That said, work is work. I love the subject matter of what I do but I can't wait to quit. There's always going to be a bit of that no matter how good of an employment situation you find. Mine is a relatively easy gig, I get paid alright, but it's a parasitic relationship at this point so I'm looking to get out. Job satisfaction matters, don't let anyone tell you different. If you can find something better that affords you room to grow in your career, gtfo without any hesitation.
Bottle of Crown Royal and a Star Trek TNG DVD should do the trick.
@CaKaLusa - YRFAC! (You're Right For A Change!) ^_-
@supanamja - Well, this entire job isn't my career. I"m finishing my BA for graphic design in the fall. No more of this hospital crap. Thanks for the analogy. It helped.
Holy.hell. I could have written every single sentence of this post. Every word. Verbatim. I am to the point where I cannot bring myself to do anything, my motivation is shot. And how many times have I told my loved ones: "my job is killing my soul"...yeah, wow. All I do is play around on xanga (saving grace) and avoid everything. Bad attitude, promises of promotions, dread coming in every morning. So desperate for a change. Girl I feel you. You are not alone.
So here's what I'm doing...I looked up my personality type and the recommended jobs for ENFPs
I'm trying to get back into school to pursue something totally new. Here's to hoping it works out in my favor....
Could you join your sister in Cambodia?
If you have a sufficient financial cushion, quit. Life is too damn short to be spending your days doing shit you don't care about. I just quit one of my jobs, after 5 years there. And it was one of the best things I've done this year. Just tell your boss, "GTFO!"
I sort of believe in destiny. I think we are all meant for something particular, and that if we ignore that, we suffer. It's not a first-world problem to hate a job that you say is killing your soul. It's a real problem. I've had jobs that sucked the life out of me. And I left for something better. If you really want advice, I'd suggest starting to look while you still have a job. It's hard to find one when you don't have one. But that's up to you too. If you are an artist, spending most of your waking hours doing something dull and unrewarding must be torture. I say change it.
I hope you have something else lined up before you quit.
You deserve some happiness.
I hope you have something else lined up before you quit
Find something you have a passion for and it will not be "work."
Well number one you should not spend too much time beating yourself up with all the 'first world problem' guilt and stuff, yes you don't have to struggle like the dumpster kid...but that dosen't really mean anything, because in your life and in your existense what really matters is what you are experiancing directly, we can use the future the past and things thousands of miles away from us to make ourselves feel bad...but in truth it's all just mindgames unless it's directly connected to you.
Thats not to say you shouldn't care for others, just don't use caring for others as a reason to be depressed...because that helps noone.
And second, I personally have found nothing that I can enjoy for long enough or intensly enough to ever imagine doing it all my life or with the level of passion that some people speak about their jobs or talents with...but I do believe that there is some things we love to do and others we just don't get on with, you can force yourself to do the bad ones and you can get tired of the good ones at times...but from this description your job just sucks on all levels and you've given it a good effort so at this point you have to look at it from a personal survival point of view.
When we are not happy we are not doing ourselves any good and if it continues then you have to either stop doing whats making you un-happy, or find the way to change how it effects you. Both paths are possible and of value.
All depends on what resources and convictions you have.
You are talented and very intellegent so i'm confident that you can find other options and make them work.
So my best advice would be to really sit down and clear out the extraneous guilt and other emotions for a bit then consider it carefully from several angles until you gain some clarity, then make a choice and commit.
Best of Luck Liz:D
life is too short to be unhappy.
Stick it out if you can -- it's well known that it's easier to find a new job if you're already employed than if you're unemployed. Use your current position to network if you can, use it to explore other options, but try not to quit without a new job lined up!