Wednesday, 20 June 2012
I've been seriously thinking about quitting my job lately... but I'm feeling guilty about it. I feel guilty because I realized the following.
I want to leave... but not because I can't do the job. Not because the atmosphere is that bad. It's bad sometimes, and hypocritical... but my team in general is good, and it's not a strict environment. I can show up late sometimes and I won't get punished. I can take days off, paid. Paid sick days. Of course, the dynamics here have changed of late. I've gotten screwed a few times... but that's not really it either.
In fact, I've realized that the only real reason I want to quit, aside from all the little things, is because I just don't like it. I do data entry almost 5 days on 5. Statistics. Transcription of phone messages for data entry. Preparing committees. And by god, I HATE it. Every living moment of it. And it's thankless. No one thanks the secretary for her work. But they'll sure not hesitate to bitch at you should a mistake arise. I dread coming to work in the morning. I'm not happy here, and it affects others. I'm bitter and sarcastic all the time. For years I've struggled with this, too. I mean, who am I to complain? I have a stable, well-paid job that's relatively easy, for all the work I have to do. But it's braindead. It's killing my soul, as dramatic as that might sound. And yeah, I've had these tantrums periodically over the past few years, where I wanted to up and quit... but I've never had the courage to. This time though, I actually drafted a quitting letter. I just lack the courage to speak to my boss about it.
I mean, is not liking a job reason enough to quit? I feel like a lot of people would kill for my job, you know? But still. I've given 5 years to this team, and all promises of advancement have been lies. I've been screwed on a graphic design level. They've taken advantage of me, and thrown the "it's good for your portfolio" excuse at me liberally. I've seen colleagues screwed out of their positions, or even out of the department. But because I'm an old staple around here who does the gruntwork, they don't touch me. Nobody wants to do what I do. Fuck, I don't even know why I do it.
And lately, I can't do it. I sit in front of my screen and just... surf the web. Do nothing, as the work piles up... because doing my job literally makes me want to cry. I manage to get things done though, somehow because luckily, I have a conscience.
How pathetic is that?
I'm miserable here... and I hate that I'm such a weakling, and that I'm whining about this. I mean, my sister brought me back a pair of earrings from Cambodia, the money she paid having literally saved a kid, whose day job was dumpster diving, from a lifetime of garbage work. You don't think that kid would jump at the shot for this job? You don't think he'd be disgusted by my attitude?
I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's what I feel. Like I'm ungrateful... like I'm experiencing a first world problem. But I'm so unhappy. Just... soo unhappy. I'm scared of change, and I'm really bad and anxious about uncertainty. But I think I need to leave not just for my own mental health, but because the team would probably benefit from someone who doesn't fucking hate every second of her day at work... and yet I'm wavering. I'm not naive. I know that liking your job is a luxury that not many are afforded in North America. And people do shitty things just to live. But hey, why am I not trying harder to be happy? I just don't know if I can keep doing this.
Ugh. I need encouragement or advice or whatever.
I'm an artist, and as such... I will have to struggle for a while before I'm established. I will probably be stuck in a job I dislike for the rest of my life. I've come to terms with that. But surely there must be something better than this... even though it's already decent.
Again, I can't convince myself. Maybe I'm just spoiled, with an attitude problem.
I just don't know. But all I know is I hate being here, despite trying very, VERY hard not to. I'm just out of motivation.
Is it really so naive to think that I could someday like my job, and to want that?