Moi, Moi-Même, et Je

I've been trying to stay away from completely self-indulgent posts lately, but hell...

A few events in my recent life have really forced me to put a giant magnefying glass to my ant of a life.  While this provides an admittedly unique perspective on things, forced-self-examination that is, I'm trying not to burn under my sadist kid id's introspective voyeurism.  Because you know, when things are that close-up, you tend to lose perspective on everything else.

But basically, unlike Charlie Brown's pathological football-temptress fixation, I've learned a few lessons this past while, about myself and life in general, and this is my attempt at organizing my thoughts.

1) I'm feeling a very deep need to create, in general, and to expand my knowledge of art and art-making.  I want to flourish in a multi-media sense, and I haven't felt so driven to do so in a while.  I've been considering painting, jewelry-making, taking piano lessons and etc, which I plan to do as soon as the budget allows for it. I'm also realizing how big a chunk of ME that is, and how existentially dissatisfied I become when I don't devote enough energy to the creative spark factor, as cheesy as that may sound.  I don't know.  I suppose that, even though I will never consider myself "good enough" the drive to create is almost like eating or breathing for me, and indeed, when I deny it, I feel drowned.   I've been devoting more time to drawing and other things lately because of the gallery, and I've not felt quite so good in a long time, despite certain amounts of excrement tainting this whole Life thing, lately.  The point is, I'm feeling the not only the desire to, but the need to expand my horizons, as a creative person, which is kind of interesting.

2) Despite my slightly intense need for company and love of being around people, I'm rather a headstrong, independent person in other ways.  Though I question the validity of horoscopes (and Midol, right now... WHERE FOR ART THOU PROMISED RELIEF OF UTERINE BETRAYAL, I ASK!!??!?</inappropriate-sharing-tangent>) I always refer to myself (during those long conversations with myself....) as truly Sagittarian in nature... and not just the overwhelming body hair! *thumbs up*  Ok no.  But seriously, I read this profile once about how Sagittarians  are excessive, self-indulgent (it wasn't ME, it was Ben, and that fool Jerry!! I swear it!) procrastinators... but that inversely, they are also genuinely generous and versatile. Above all else though, as hunters, they impatiently seek the freedom to do what they want, when they want it... and well, that all describes me to a T. I mean, I swear, if you read this, you'll have me figured out... which somewhat disappointingly ruins my feminine mystique, don't it... but anyhow.  But my point is, in all this, I've discovered lately a need to "do my own thing" and the freedom to do so is sort of paramount in my life.  I tend to admire those people who just go their own way, discover life and the world, and, even if they're assholes in leaving friends and families behind, have the courage to do so.  I want to be like that.  (Yes, I long to be a giant douchebag.)  I want my life to be an adventure, despite my strong need for company.  I'm trying to work around that particular contradiction, and well, it's not easy because I am indeed existentially impatient.

3) I'm sometimes uncomfortable with my femininity.  Or well, no, that's not exactly it... but rather that I truly don't identify with most "female standards" out there, and to be honest, that makes me uncomfortable.  I'm finally starting to like myself after many years of struggling very much with the notion. (I will write a book called "Self-Love Beyond Masturbation: A Comprehensive Guide to Not Shitting on Your Id Constantly Like The Ewo You Are") The only issue is that I rarely find people whom I can identify with.  Relate to?  Sure.  I relate to a lot of people...I'm sort of a social chameleon when I need to be, but I've rarely met any others, aside from my sister, who are a combination of the following:
-female
-straight
-tomboyish
-artsy
-headstrong
-sarcastic
-not classically girly, but who enjoy feeling feminine, while enjoying certain classically male traits like physical strength and/or bro-peers, hahaha.

There's other things... but lately I've been very confused as to stuff like that.  I want to be respected as a person, not as a "flawed woman", just because I enjoy the occasional belch, quip or guy hobby, or because I like sci-fi.  Actually, I've struggled with this a long time.. I've tried being more girly, tried being more guyish... tried to "fit" into random categories which I'd hoped would represent me.  I haven't exactly failed, per say... because in those attempts, I've developed those corresponding facets of me, which is great... but I'd love to just be able to embrace myself fully with the notion that there are others out there who've struggled with the same sort of "identity" issues.  I think this is why I've recently come to appreciate Land of Talk on a very deep level, because the singer, Elizabeth Powell (she even has the same name as me, wow...) explores these issues with a very similar mindset to my own, in her lyrics, aside from the music being fantastically deep and melodical.

Does anyone "get" this?  And no, I'm not quite sure why I have this compulsion to understand myself and be understood, and consequently "fit in".  Maybe it's because it's hard not to, and to have to explain yourself without wanting, through years of training and self-actualization, to excuse yourself.  I wish to be non-apologetic for myself, you see... but also feel not so alone.

Er... I've got tons more, but I think my stomach has officially overridden my brain as of now. 

YES, WORLD, ELIZABETH LEE HUNGERS FOR SELF-ACCEPTANCE, LOVE, ARTISTIC ASCENSION, DEEPER MEANING TO LIFE.... BUT ALSO ....FOR PANINIS.

DELICIOUS, HORMONAL-HUNGER-RAGE-SOOTHING PANINIS.

-Yoko Kanno and the Seatbelts.

Between the cat meowing, the cat pawing at my face, the cat knocking shit off my shelves, the cat nibbling my hands and/or any other bits of exposed skin, the cat running back and forth throughout my apartment, the neighbor stomping around at all hours of the night on her squeaky floor, the drunken hooligan bellowing up and down my street, my endless phlegmtastic half-century smoker coughing, and THAT STUPID! FUCKING! CAT! THAT I ENDED UP HURLING ACROSS THE DAMN ROOM....

....I didn't get much sleep last night.